I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
