I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
