In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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