I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
