i already hear my dad disowning me
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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