I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
