The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
