I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
