It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
