Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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