I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
