Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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