Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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