What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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