I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
