Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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