I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
