I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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