her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
