Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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