I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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