you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
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