While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
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