My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
