I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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