Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
