I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
