Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
