You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
