You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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