If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
