he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
