i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
