I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
