There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
