He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
This is the high leading the old right now
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
