Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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