Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
