I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I have already put on my inside pants.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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