guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
