I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Randomize
