she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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