Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
So vagazzling was a success
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