Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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