I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
