i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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