I just threw up on my dentist
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
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