Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
