Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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