so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
