It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
