You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
