My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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